• I start the day with just over 3 hours sleep. My brain is so wired all throughout the night that even when I did manage to get some rest, it was filled with weird dreams + racing thoughts.
• By 6:30AM I give up, make a cup of tea and eat a banana.
• Bemusedly stare out bedroom window until I hear the cat in the lounge room.
• On autopilot I feed Mikasa.
• Her purr wrenches me out of autopilot that I realise I’ve fed her two hours earlier than usual.
• She will now yowl for breakfast at 6:30am for the next three days.
• Deciding to choose my battles, I leave her eating and decide to shower instead.
• I do not shower, forgetting almost as soon as I decided too.
• Sit down at my computer and decide to start my work day.
• Computer immediately has technical difficulties and instead of snapping to problem solving as usual, I turn it off and rest my head on my keyboard.
• Computer restarts, the technical difficulties are resolved.
• I do not bother trying to figure out why they happened. I’m picking my battles, remember?
• Work passes in a productive blur. I switch off all distractions and set alarms + timers + reminders.
• I get everything done, in a strict, timely and sensible manner.
• This will be the first and last time those adjectives are used to describe me or my actions today.
• I ask my housemate, Bilvy for a word that means reassurance but is a little more professional (I’m writing an email). He suggests “confirmation”.
• I proceed to forget that word 4 consecutive times, over and over again before I can even write it down.
• Calendar alarm goes off: flu vaccination in 30 minutes.
• Suddenly remember I never showered.
• Jump in the shower, decide not to wash my hair, as it wouldn’t dry in time (can’t use a blowdryer as they’re too heavy for my arm to use).
• Forgets, washes hair.
• Drives to flu vaccination with the windows down in an attempt to air dry sopping wet hair.
• Arrive at GP clinic looking like I’ve been standing in a wind tunnel whilst walking backwards through a hedge.
• Get called through, nurse asks if I have any pre-existing conditions that make me eligible for the free shot instead of paying.
• I do (it’s CRPS).
• I forget what the name of my condition is called (it’s CRPS).
• I explain I have a “chronic illness that causes me to be in pain all the time and leaves my body in a state of inflammation which has lowered my immune system” (it’s called CRPS).
• Remember it’s called CRPS just as I’m leaving and practically shout it in her face.
• Good work.
• Head over to the hospital and ask about getting a COVID vaccine, as I qualify due to my CRPS.
• Remember the name this time (it’s CRPS), but forget to ask which vaccine I’m booking in for.
• Nurse tells me after 10 minutes of getting all my info that I’m booked in for Astra Zeneca, as that’s all that’s available.
• I’ve been advised to get Pfizer and to not get AZ.
• Am too embarrassed to tell the nurse I need to cancel the appointment, so accept and drive home.
• Feeling a bit woozy now, health anxiety is kicking in. Am I having a negative reaction to the flu shot? I’ve never had one before but it’s never too late for a cheeky anaphylactic reaction right?
• By the time I get home I’m flushed and dizzy, almost convinced I’m having some rare vicious reaction.
• Suddenly remember I have significant medical trauma and being in a medical setting is a huge trigger for me.
• Dizziness wears off, I eat some soup.
• Stop writing because I get distracted by beauty YouTuber drama.
• Start writing again, realise I’m probably having a very mild reaction to the flu shot as I do have a bit of a fever, but that I almost definitely not dying.
• Anaphylaxis does not pause so one can watch tea/drama videos.
• I am probably not on death’s door just yet.
• Decide I’ll confer with my mother on whether to get the Astra Zeneca shot or cancel my appointment.
• Crawl into bed.
• Absentmindedly eat an entire 300g punnet of cherries.
• Realise at this stage nothing else productive is going to get done today.
• Decide it’s probably worth having a nap as long as my stomach don’t decide to betray me after consuming spicy pho and a cherry tree’s worth of fruit.
• Close eyes for 15 minutes.
• Brain feels like this gif:

• Suddenly remember I need to call psychiatrist to get an updated script for my ADHD medication.
• Immediately hit with intense phone anxiety, absolutely cannot make any phone calls right now.
• Accept that this is just how my day is today.
• Managing 4+ hours of decent, productive work is a huge achievement and I shouldn’t feel bad for not being able to do anything else.
• (Still feel a little bad.)
• Turn on Winnie the Pooh on Disney+
• Brain rumbles happily.
• <excutive functioning = fully offline>

blog personal adhd chronic pain crps executive dysfunction neurodivergent