What a title…
In fairness, I’m too exhausted right now to actually think of anything clever or witty or niche.
What a first entry…
Today has been a r o u g h one.
There was no particular trigger though, which makes it so frustrating.
Instead it was a combination of sharp pain increases (I live with CRPS) and non-issues (that, even if they were issues, were resolved almost immediately.
But one of my big learnings that comes from living with chronic pain is that things stack. And the more pain you’re in, the more your resilience drops.
The suddenly you’re in tears because you ran out of bath bombs and it doesn’t matter that it’s 3pm on Thursday yOU NEED A BATH RIGHT NOW!
I joke, but in all seriousness today I was so anxious I couldn’t make eye contact, couldn’t be touched and had to completely block the world out in order to get my work done (which I did, something I’m proud of).
And whilst that was happening, my pain was spiking. My right wrist and arm (I’m right-handed too) felt like they were on fire, and with every spike of pain my anxiety worsened. And as my anxiety increased, so did the pain.
Chronic pain and mental health are a deadly pair.
I’m lucky and extremely grateful I have an excellent support system.
I have a great boss (it’s me, I’m my boss hohoho), wonderful clients (actually… technically they’re my bosses; still great), a loving fam and wonderful friends.
There’s my psychologist; who is a shining light in my life, my pain management team; who not only support and guide me, but hold me accountable (“how did you go with your physio exercises?”) and the TAC; who fund my pain/car accident related treatments and support me financially.
I’m very, very grateful.
My terrible days could be a lot worse without the ongoing support and understanding I receive from multiple sources in my life.
But that’s not to say things are easy.
Most times I experience a pain flare up, I end up having to either take the day (or multiple days) off work. My capacity to work is severely reduced and impacted in general, let alone during a flare up. Not to mention, pushing through a flare up leads to burnout, meltdowns and longer recovery time.
It’s a difficult balance that I still struggle with, even nearly 3 years after the accident.
Recovery is an ongoing process.
Thank you so much for reading! I found this incredibly cathartic to write; a way to get my thoughts out of my head, very grounding.
I promise I will eventually share more writings specific to VA and business stuff, as well.
I’m still in the process of building this website, but my priority over the next few days is to share some of the resources I’ve been using and have been recommended to further my education on the topic of intersectionality (racism, ableism, homophobia + transphobia, sexism, feminism).
And if you struggle with disabilities and/or mental health issues, please know you’re not alone.
I’m sending you so much love.